To my dear, dear friend

I really thought you gave a shit about me my dear, dear friend.

You were there for me, years ago, when things went wrong. Yet, perhaps it was only because you were banging MM, who happened to be in my band. I was just convenient, or maybe you befriended me to become a pawn. That way, you could pump me for information when you weren't around. Was that it?

You were there for me when that band fell apart and I joined a new one. Your relationship with MM ended. I even hooked you up with my single friend, my bandmate, MK. You became obsessed with him, then he dissed you. That's all you talked about for a year but I patiently listened. I helped you out with multiple projects for school. I was there for you time after time after time when you didn't understand why MK didn't want to be in a relationship for you. And sometimes, you even listened to me talk. You had nice things to say to me, at one point. Then you started smoking more pot than ever, and it seemed all you wanted to do was smoke pot and drink. You turned 21. Now I think you're an alcoholic, my dear dear friend. So I distanced myself.

You moved away to L.A. and missed Tulsa. I told you that you would want to move there, and untimately I was right. But you had to come back here. We talked online often when you lived there, I said I missed you and you said you missed me. Now you've been back over 6 months and I've seen you 3 times. You stopped answering your phone, never reterned your calls. Each time I've seen you, strangely enough, it's because there was some band boy present that you wanted to screw. Once at a show, 2 other times at 2 seaparate bars. Each time I see you you're like "Let's definately hang out!" I say, each time, call me and let's make it happen. You never call, I'm convince you don't give a shit about me but the men that sometimes surround me. So you are no longer my dear, dear friend. You are someone who is confused and I don't need in my life. Not that it was my choice to remove you from my life, that was all you.

I did think it was odd that a few months ago you took notice of my married friend G, who is (how uncanny!) in my new band. You called him more than you called me. How strange? Why didn't you call me? Why didn't you invite his wife? Do you even know her name? Some questions will always go unanswered, I guess.

I guess I'm going to give your birthday gift that's been sitting in my living room since your birthday in December to someone else, since it's almost May. Or maybe I'll just hang on to it and bring it to the next bar that has a boy in it that you want to screw, surely you'll be there.

Have a nice life my dear, dear friend.

OCD, Impulse Buying, OKC, Anniversaries... etc

Well I made an impulse purchase last Friday. I bought a beautiful fireput from Lowes, since it was on clearance. I had gone there to buy tomatoes (I did, and they are still alive !) and I saw it and couldn't live without it. Yet you see, it's not necessarily like me to make an impulse purchase like that, I think twice about buying things on a clearance rack. I'm all about equity, paying off debt, blah blah boring. It's like I have the compulsive shopper in my mind constantly fighting with the sensible financial manager. This time the shopper won.

It did, however, prove to be real fun when my best friends came over Saturday night and we "christened" it. I had a little too much fun maybe because at my Sunday gig at Philbrook I was dying. But it was worth it! Now I'm looking for bundles of franrant wood to keep on hand for more good times.... and some more lawn chairs.

It was nice to let loose and have fun because last week we missed our Wednesday ritual on tax day, I got 2 fillings, and felt generally stressed out.

I've always thought of April 19th as cursed. This year it was the two year anniversary of the wreck that totalled my first nice car and I became injured, the 16th anniversary of the Branch Dividian Waco disaster, the 16th anniversary of the death of George Mickelson, and also the 14th anniversary of the OKC bombing.

I always dread April 19th because of these things; my wreck was traumatic of course. Because of that old bitch I flinch a little every time I drive past a T intersection. My feet still swell because of the injury. It really brought me down at a time I was already down; Z money was lying to me daily and I was working for his wife. I was constantly reminded at how cool I wasn't, how I was pretty much a glorified backup singer and how my opinion and input didn't matter. I was chastized for not being able to drop everything at the drop of a hat because of some ass hole A&R unpredictable schedule, even though my husband had a broken leg and pneumonia and it was up to me to pay the bills. None of that mattered, because I was surely going to have a record deal by the end of the year......

The Waco Branch dividian incident sickened me; I was just becoming aware of the news and I knew that innocent children died. I realized that even crazy people could hurt whomever they felt like at any given time, making me a little paranoid.

George Mickelson was the governer of South Dakota in 1989. I was in 3rd grade, and I was learning the states and capitols. My teacher insisted that "Pierre" was pronounce Pee-air. My dad insisted it was Peer. I believe my dad on most things yet my teacher kept correcting me. I got so irritated that my dad helped me to write a letter to Governer Mickelson to ask the ultimate question: Pee air or Peer? Turns out we were right, he wrote a signed letter back to us to let us know!! Sadly, he died in a plane crash on April 19th, 1993.

When the OKC bombing happened, I was in 7th grade. Even though I didn't know anyone personally who died it was truly frightening, so close to home. What was even more sobering was when my parents decided to drive to OKC, on Mothers Day, when the building was still standing. The were hundreds of people lined up at the fence. So many people, so little noise. People tying gifts and flowers onto the chain link fence. Some people were sobbing. There were still three bodies they couldn't reach, buried in the rubble before us. It made me really thankful for my family and sad for the senseless tragedy that had occured.

Fortunately this year's April 19th passed without much incident. But I always remember these things during this time of year.

Ghosts

I often find it not terribly hard to avoid unpleasantries from my past. Then they all come back to get me at once.

Rarely am I glad a weekend is over more than this last one. I had 5 gigs and out of those only 2 were pay but they were ALL exhausting. I don't mind doing freebies for family and church but it's when you do a favor for someone you barely know thinking they'll at least buy you a beer and then you get nothing... now he's emailing asking if I can play in Seneca MO on July 4th - he knows I'll be in Colorado, and he is asking us to move our trip. Highly unlikely, unless some $$ magically appears.

On top of that, it was 2 days of constant reminders of my past that I perpetually try to ignore.

An ex best friend, someone who I thought would never turn their back, ended contact with me almost 9 years ago. Most of the time I don't think about it, when I do it's like a fresh dagger in my back. This person gave me no explanation for ending our friendship, just coldness. The wedding I played at for a relative this weekend was right across the street from her mother's house. Consider that there are scarcely any houses and this is out in the middle of the redneck jungle of the Oklahoma woods, and that many summers were spent at said mother's house. Die memories, die!

An ex boyfriend, whom I loved yet he could give less of a shit about me, also ended our relationship about the same time as the ex best friend. So much was wrong with this situation and I was so young, yet we reunited over and over then he vanished off of the end of the earth each time. He told me he was moving to Milan. 9 years later, he's still haunting me by being in the paper and working with my friends.

An estranged friend, one who seems to only have an interest in me if there is a male in my band that she can obsess over, runs into me at a friends birthday party. This friend stands me up on a regular basis. She never calls me back. She talks about my ex boyfriend, apparently they've been working together. And she tells me all of the things I already know "he's a totally douche! OMG he's so arrogant!" Tell me something I don't know. She said that she was moving to L.A. in March.

We had to remove a member from my current band a few months ago. He was a huge disappointment; he was creative, good at writing, didn't have any drug/alcohol problems and -at first - seemed to be into it. Then he became a wuss and for months failed to show up at practice, didn't do things he said he would, etc. Eventually he left/was removed and the rest of us are truly relieved. Now he's working with members from my ex-band, one whose birthday I attended and saw my alleged friend talking about my ex boyfriend. I wished them luck.

On Sunday I thought I had escaped my ghosts. In between church services, I go to starbucks and see one of the session drummers from my other ex band. This band was supposed to be the next (fill in the blank with a really hot band) and took me to NYC, Nashville, LA, Burbank. This band had David Cook open up for us. This band met celebrities and were shmoozed by A&R reps from every huge label, played for presidents of record companies in their offices, hobnobbed with rockstars... only to be led to our less than climactic ending where my producer didn't even call me to tell me that nothing was going to happen. It just went out with a wimper.

This is why I want to get the hell out of this town. The census says it houses 384,037 people. Out of all these people, how is it that all of the ones I don't want to see and who are from different circles know each other??? If it weren't for my parents and parents-in-law I would take my band and friends and be living in Golden, Colorado before you could say bust.

Wanderlust

Main Entry:
wan·der·lust
Pronunciation:
\ˈwän-dər-ˌləst\
Function:
noun
Etymology:
German, from wandern to wander + Lust desire, pleasure
Date:
1875
: strong longing for or impulse toward wandering


I have strong impulses every day that I fight. One is OCD; I struggle not to obsess over everything from cleaning to listening to the same song 50+ times.

The other is my constant desire to see places I've never seen, or places I love to travel to that hold some significance to me. I have wanderlust like a mofo.

It distracts me from the mundane, humdrum every day life. Although I seem to excel with a structured life. It's almost like I'm a walking contradiction, I need to know roughly how every day is going to go. I need to know my bills are paid. I need to feel like I'm doing some good in my profession. But then the nagging little voice says "What's down that road? " or "I wonder what I haven't seen." It's an excruciating curiosity.

Don't get me wrong, I'm quite content with my life. I travel when I can and work hard the rest of the time. I have a good time with my friends.

Unfortunately, my husband doesn't have the same gypsy impulses as me. He is not interested in going anywhere unless he can climb a mountain or go scuba diving. We've had a lot of fun on our trips but sometimes I wonder if he's just humoring me.

I hope someday I can learn to be less restless and content to stay in Oklahoma. But unless Oklahoma can come up with some substantial mountains, oceans, or deserts, I don't see that happening.

Alright here I go

I have stopped blogging on myspace simply due to privacy.

I feel that there are so many people I don't know on there that don't need to know my innermost thoughts, which can be quite scary and odd. I'll write more later because I have a lot to say, but this is all I have time for right now.